looking up!

things just seem to be getting better.


so don't worry, i'm not emo.
i promise.






woo!

no way out.

i am officially out of ideas. i have too much on my plate, and i can't even get started. i don't know what to do about anything anymore. i have a shitload of homework from last week that i have to do, i have to not get sick again, find like two or three costumes for a history project, and somehow manage to get like 1000 dollars. all by tomorrow, except the money part. that one's by saturday. panic is starting to set in; it's like i'm paralyzed. i have no idea what to do at all. i'm just going to dissapoint everyone no matter what i do, so why do anything at all? i honestly just want to die right now. i wouldn't have to deal with any of this; i wouldn't have to try to get myself out of this hole i'm in.

it's a fucking grave, folks.

sleep deprived!

i don't think i spelled that right, but oh well. so it's almost 2 am, my throat is killing me, i pretty much can't breathe, my head feels like it's going to explode, and i have to be at school in about five and a half hours. come on, i'm actually sick, and i'm being forced to sit through six classes, pretty much back to back, with about twenty minutes off after the first two. and to top it all off, me being sick all weekend and rendered me incapable of doing my homework that i missed from the matinees all last week. so i'm going to go into school sick, tired, AND unprepared.

panic attacks are almost guaranteed at this point.

not cool, seeing as i'm stressed out enough. my grades are sucking again, after just about a week of passing almost everything. and for the past few days, i've been getting a lot of sleep. like tons. like fifteen or sixteen hours at a time tons. i really don't think that's healthy. i honestly don't even wake up in between. i just crash and then it's like i'm in a coma for the next fifteen hours. it's the strangest thing and it's freaking me out.
i really would prefer not to go to school tomorrow.

sick people + small enclosed room = MORE SICK PEOPLE

the title is self explanitory.











a couple of weeks in a lighting booth with one or two sick people will make you sick.
i now know that.
i, unfortunately, learned the hard way.

down again

yes, yes, yes i am. i'm honestly not trying to be all emo here, but i really do hate my life. i have too many issues and i've dissapointed too many people. i just don't know what i'm supposed to do in life, why i'm here, what is my purpose? all i do is let people down and fail at stuff. i really don't understand the point of my life. i'm just kind of chilling here, wasting air.
excuse my bad mood, but i'm just feeling really down about stuff today. i stayed home from school. again. and my mom just yelled at me the whole day. and it really sucks because i was doing so well last week, and now it all just came crashing down. like, as much as i am against behavioral medications, i wish they would just do it already. no, making me drink caffine everyday is not going to work. writing stuff in my planner is not going to change anything. i'm freaking screwed up. i honestly had an anxiety attack this morning. over HOMEWORK. what the hell. this is just sucking. so badly.

wow i sound so depressing.
great.

My Conscience

it's way to big and annoying. i am probably the biggest baby you'll ever meet in your entire life. honestly, if i ever stole something, i would probably cry and hate myself until i gave it back. and i would probably still hate myself. i have way to much guilt in me; i should really learn to just let stuff go. like, i'll feel guilty for stuff i didn't even do, stuff my friends did, or stuff i was just thinking about doing but never did. it's toally lame. if i didn't do it, why should i care? but i do. what a loser.

and to top it all off, i have to meet my group tomorrow for history for like two hours. i barely even know these girls, and they are all friends. they are fake nice to me, i swear, and i hate that feeling. i would rather do ANYTHING. i would rather get my painful cavity filled. i would rather go on great bear at hershey park, and i hate roller coasters. i would rather sing in front of 4823493724 people, even though i'm so shy. i would rather wear sweatpants and meet the jonas brothers. that is saying a lot. i'm secretly hoping that i get called into play practice last minute. that's another thing i'd rather do. sit in a lighting booth for 5 hours. i would do it. gladly.

oh well, i should just stop complaining.

Just thought I'd like to say...

And I came here to make you dance tonight
I don't care if I'm a guilty pleasure for you

And I don't even know
what kind of fool you're taking me for
So you've got some brand new clothes
you never could afford before

Oh brother, spare us all
'Cause we don't care anymore
We just wanna get down on the floor

You sold yourself to make it
You can dish it
But can you really take it?

You're never gonna get it with nothing
'cause nothing's what you got in your head
So stop pretending

I came here to make you dance tonight
I don't care if I'm a guilty pleasure for you
Shut up
'Cause we won't stop
We're getting down til the sun's coming up
I came here to make you dance tonight
I don't care if I'm a guilty pleasure for you
Shut up
'Cause we won't stop
We're getting down til the sun's coming up

And I don't even read
what the papers gotta say about me
Oh no, I can't believe
they take it so serious, seriously

I'm so bored, oh please don't talk anymore
Shut your mouth and get down on the floor

So cynical?
Poor baby
I can dish it 'cause I know how to take it

You're never gonna win 'em all
So fuck 'em if they can't take a joke
I'm just playin'

I came here to make you dance tonight
I don't care if I'm a guilty pleasure for you
Shut up
'Cause we won't stop
We're getting down til the sun's coming up
I came here to make you dance tonight
I don't care if I'm a guilty pleasure for you
Shut up
'Cause we won't stop
We're getting down til the sun's coming up

And maybe someday I'll believe
(maybe someday I'll believe)
that we are all a part of some bigger plan
Tonight I just don't give a damn
(So shut your mouth it's time to dance)
If the world is ending, I'm throwing the party

And I came here to make you dance tonight
I don't care if I'm a guilty pleasure for you
Shut up
'Cause we won't stop
We're getting down til the sun's coming up
I came here to make you dance tonight
I don't care if I'm a guilty pleasure for you
Shut up
'Cause we won't stop
We're getting down til the sun's coming up
I came here to make you dance tonight
I don't care if I'm a guilty pleasure for you
Shut up
'Cause we won't stop
We're getting down til the sun's coming up


cobra frickin starship.
and the john carroll music department.