Wonderful

so apparently, i am to be medicated for my ADD.


i REFUSE.
the end.

memories

it's weird what kind of things can hold memories. i find that that most random things remind me of stuff. take for example:

rockstar juiced: energy + guava. the only energy drink i actually like. i've tried about a million, thanks to lexie, but this is the only one that isn't gross. i haven't had one in a really long time, but last time i did, my mind was flooded with memories. i felt summer. friends. hershey park. sleepovers and staying up till 6 am. no worries. i got this vision of driving up to ocean grove with carly lexie and becca on a hot august day, going to my first jonas brothers concert. freaking out when we saw the bus. the ONE bus. hearing soundcheck. laughing at all of the girls harassing frankie. being confused by the mobs of people. seeing the jonas brothers walk right past us. the concert. almost passing out from the amount of energy i had. scream offs. "you are mine and i am yours." our pole. everything. all of that, just by taking a sip of a drink. and that's when i realized how much i miss the way things used to be. not even just the whole thing with the jonas brothers and their pre-fame. just summer in general. before i officially quit dance. before i messed everything up again. before regular classes full of mean kids. before things started to get serious. before talks of college and the rest of my life. back when all i had to worry about was who was spending the night and what i was going to wear the next day. my life has changed so much in the past couple of months, and let me make this clear: i hate change. at least i did.
which brings me to my next point.i'm starting to think that i need to get over that. i can never go back to the old days. they are gone, and i should realize that. i need one big change, a chance to start over. something i'll never do here. right now i'm just focusing on bringing my grades up so i can get the hell out of here. i want california or something. far, far, far, away from the past. somewhere where i can't dwell on it. yes, i might be running away from my problems, but i really don't care. so, to all 2 people that actually read this blog, however you might have stumbled upon it, thanks for reading, and feel free to leave your thoughts.

also

heath ledger died!

was a depressing day :[

school

i'm pretty much hating it right now. second semester started today, and most of my classes make me want to die. my day started off with english, where i was almost the last one there and i had to sit in the front. i switched sections, so i didn't even know if i was in the right class. luckily i was, but it was still really awkward. i didn't know a lot of people, and most of the ones i did know were people i didn't like and who made fun of me. and the class is so easy i practically fell asleep. and the teacher hates me. lovely. after THREE MODS (ew) of that, it was time for history. i didn't switch sections in this class, but a whole bunch of other people did. there's pretty much like two people i actually talk to in that class, and even them i don't talk to all that much. the rest of my class consists of people who i strongly dislike and/or hate. it pretty much sucks. so then after that, i had math. i switched sections for this class, but it was actually a good change. although i'm not in katy's class anymore, i'm in my kristi's class now, which is fun; her class is just an all around goofy group of kids. it's awesome and i'm happy there. so after math i had one off mod, and i spent it in the chorus room (my last one there for awhile since the chorus teacher hates me). then it was time for spanish. i didn't switch in this class either, and some fun people switched in, so it was pretty awesome. we did some cool skits in spanish, like doing different emotions and some; it was hilarious. so after that, i went to religion, which was totally new. this semester is new testament, and i have a new teacher and everything. he's cool i guess. a few of my friends are in my class, but so are a couple of people i absolutely hate. but whatever i guess. the only class i haven't had yet it dance, which i know is going to be awesome. but overall there is more bad than good, so i'm kind of not looking foward to the rest of the year. the only thing getting me though it is the possibility of going to boarding school next year :]

woah, say whaaa?!?!

yeah, boarding school. i want to go. pretty much, i've screwed everything up for myself within a 20 mile radius, and i want to get as far away from it as possible. i started looking at schools a few days ago, and i'm getting really excited about it. i really just want to get far far away from home; i really need a change. anywhere would be amazing. i've looked into the cate school in california. it's about a mile from the beach and an hour away from LA. california would be amazing, and just about as far away from home as possible. i checked out some schools in new york and florida too. i mean, if your going to go to school, you might as well go somewhere exciting, right? i've looked at some art schools too, which all look like so much fun. the only problem is, of course, my grades. i'm going to have to try really hard if i want to get to transfer and be accepted as a junior, anywhere. which is my main problem to begin with, but i'm willing to try.

so, boarding school, yes?
please.

Choices

so play practice got me thinking.
uh oh.

i really started to wonder about the choices i've made in the past, especially ones that have to do with theatre and music. did i make the right ones? how did they affect my life as it is now? you're probably confused, so i'll elaborate. example: piano lessons. i had them for about a year before i quit. that was so stupid of me. i really wish i had stuck with it, because i'd be able to play now, which i want to do. i love the piano but my parents won't let me take lessons now because i quit before. i never fully learned how to read music, and i totally hate that. it kills me, really. i can't seem to pick it up now, as hard as i try, so i just wish i had kept with it.
also, dance. this one is more recent. i danced for almost 10 years. it was my life; i was at my studio everyday it was open. but then it closed down and i haven't been able to find anything like it, so i just stopped dancing. rehearsal today was interesting. i had a horrible morning, and i was in such a bad mood. but then we started to learn choreography, and my whole day turned around. even though i'm in really bad shape, i loved every second of it. this is when i realized how much i really miss dancing. if even silly musical theatre dance can make my mood do a total 180, i must really love it. sad thing is, now i miss my old studio more than ever, and that sucks hardcore.
and finally, singing. if you are one of the few people reading this thing, you're probably thinking "torrey? singing? whattt?!?" well, yeah. i did quite a lot of singing when i was younger, and apparently i was pretty good. i loved voice lessons, but i had major stage fright, which i still have even today. this really sucked because one summer, i was asked to sing at the bel air barbeque bash and represent the place i took lessons at. it wasn't a huge deal, but it was still something. enough to freak me out. i actually turned it down, and that is one of the biggest regrets of my whole life. i really wish i could know what would have happened if i had just said yes. where i would be now. i know it seems dumb, but i just wish i did it. i mean, in the best of cases i could have been "noticed", done more stuff, and really gotton into it. for all i know i could be freaking hannah montana right now. okay, that's kind of an exaggeration, but something could have happened. at the very least i would have gained more confidence on the stage, and actually have the courage to go out for stuff. or maybe i would have just stuck with it, and still be good. because now it's too late, and i'm stuck as an average/below average singer with low self esteem and the most horrible case of stage fright you've ever seen.

it kind of sucks.


wow, how cynical of me.






oh, and i've decided that i'm going to boarding school, but i'll write about that later.

Looking Back

wow. i haven't updating this in just about forever. i wouldn't have remembered i even had it, but carly mentioned making a blog so i thought i might want to update mine. i couldn't remember how to get to it for about 20 minutes, but then i just typed in blogspot.com and bingo! there it was.
anyway...

i guess i should tell you a bit about what has happened in my life since august 15th. well, i never ending up fasting, seeing as i don't have the self control. i have now seen the jonas brothers in concert a total of three times, and they are fabulous live. the best one had to be the summer concert though, because they weren't with hannah montana/miley cyrus/whoever the heck she is now. she really bothers me, by the way. but yeah, the concerts were good, except for miley's slutty dance moves. after the december concert nick waved at me outside by the buses, which was really exciting. i think i was in a good mood for about a week after that. this last concert was, well, interesting to say the least. it was in baltimore, our seats sucked, me and carly were with this really annoying girl who kept talking the whole time, and then proceeded to get me grounded for two weeks. it's been about a week now. ugh. i am also sick, which sucks. i also got demoted from featured dancer to ensemble, for missing rehearsal to go to the concert. that kind of sucks too, actually. i'm kind of just having a sucky time at the moment. i don't really have much to look foward to, except the posting of new tour dates from you-know-who. which is actually kind of sad. i mean, is this what my life has come to? not caring about anything but tour dates? i'm so lame! i seriously need to find a new hobby. i guess i haven't really changed that much from the summer. well, i got into music some more, although i'm incredibly doubtful about my ability to sing these days. but i can't play the guitar pretty decently now, which is cool. we just got wireless internet, too, so i am now in the comfort of my own room, sneaking on my laptop at 3:20 in the morning while my mother is sleeping. that is just terrific, really. exams are next week, which i'm actually really woried about. my grades always suck, and this quarter is no different. i can never seem to do anything about it though; i'm not sure why. so yeah, everything is just pretty much lame right about now, which is dumb. i hate not having things to look foward to. like, the next break we have is in late march or something, there are no holidays coming up, i'm not doing anything exciting anythime soon, and i'm sick and ground so i can't even go out. so i write in my extremely cool internet blog instead. awesome.

i think i'm going to try to find another layout; this one is bothering me.




peace.