it's been a long time

and nothing really has changed. i fail things, i hate school, the world shits on me quite a lot, you know. the norm. the only things that have changed are the people. and my haircut.

people change and promises are broken?
right on boys, right on.

and now, a new list of people.



1. you will always be my best friend. i don't care that we almost never see each other, and that we've grown apart. you are always there for me. the only one who is. i miss you so much, and i'm completely ecstatic that i'm going to get to see you more.

2. you've changed so much these past couple of months. i feel like you care too much about what your new friends think of you. i don't like the way you act now. it's like you're incredibly immature, but trying to act older, all at the same time. you are definitely not the same person you were six months ago.

3. i am so jealous of you. you're gorgeous, you get good grades, you're in an adorable relationship, everybody loves you, and you always know how to handle everything. you are one of my best friends and although i feel like you're ditching me sometimes, i don't think you mean to. i still haven't gotten really seriously mad at you yet. i don't know where i'd be without you. this summer is going to be awesome.

4. you've gotten better about your ego. i am so proud of you. i can talk to you about anything and you'll give me your opinion, whether you agree with it or not. i like how you speak your mind. you aren't afraid of anything or anyone, and you always remind me to do the same. best friend.

5. you, on the other hand, have not gotten better about your ego. i love you dearly, but seriously. i think you need to get over yourself. other people are going to do the same things as you, and you need to learn to deal with it. you can't always be the only one.

6. i'm really glad we've gotten closer this year. you're totally insane and you're always lots of fun to be around. oh, and we're moving to british columbia!

7. you are the most confusing person i have ever met in my entire life. there is a constant rotation of flirting with and then ignoring me. i don't get it. do you like me, or are you just a big flirt? i may never know, because i'm about to give up on you.

8. you pity yourself way too much. don't even talk to me about all of your problems and how your life sucks, because so many people, including me, are worse off. i'm sick of hearing it. just shut up.

9. you make me forget about all my boy problems when i see you. i will always have a little crush on you, even though i almost never see you. and you hug me like you're actually glad to see me, which i love.

10. i was wrong about you, last time i made one of these. you're not a jerk at all, you're actually really sweet. you just don't know when you're flirting. you can always make me laugh, even though we're not that close.

11. you are one of my newest friends. i talk to you about "boy" all the time, and you give good advice. you're really fun to be around, and i hope we become even better friends as this year goes on.

12. this is for a group of people, if they happen to see it. i love you girls, and even though we're all over the country (and out of the country!), and we pretty much just talk over the internet, sometimes you all treat me better than my friends at home do. we have endless inside jokes and we have the best times. summer 08, baby. what a win. we'll all get together someday, i promise.

13. you two are pretty much a package deal, so you're together on this one. you're two of my newest friends, and i adore you both. the two of you are crazy and fun to be with and you've introduced me to a lot of good music. there's never a dull moment with you girls.

14. you are so talented and you always seem so confident, but sometimes it slips, and that makes me sad. you are a lot prettier than you think you are. you always make me smile. we're going to have a great time these next few months.



i'll think of more later, maybe.

i can't believe you

i hate how just when things are starting to get better, someone has to ruin it. i can't even give all the details because i can't think straight. that's how upset i am. this whole situation is making me question my faith in so many things. i don't even know if it's true or not, but i can't stand it. now, i usually don't hate. my motto is increase the peace. but right now, i could kill someone. fuck the peace.


this blog doesn't even make any sense; sorry if you don't know what i'm talking about.

i wish i had an open basement.
i need to dance.

maybe i'm just delusional

so i just downloaded the camp rock soundtack, and it is truely inspirational. no lie. i know it's just a cheesy disney channel movie, but some of the songs are actually pretty good. i'm kind of having a revalation here. i have to make the most of my summer, and really work for what i want. who cares if i'm going to summer school? it's over by 10, and my last day is july 2nd. not bad at all. kick it into high gear, torr! i need to get all of my crap together for camp rock 2 and all the other auditions and stuff. i need to stop procrastinating and get it done. i'm really feeling inspired. something exciting is going to happen this summer. i can feel it. all of the dance classes, voice lessons, tumbling, and everything is going to pay off.



get ready, everyone.
here i come.

i failed

by less than a point.











i really can't stand school.

hey, tony oller.

i love you.

Warning:

energy drinks should be consumed slowly. unless you only need energy for like two hours.


if you don't want to crash, drink it slowly!


















in case you haven't caught on, i'm in major crash mode.
I LOVE ROCKSTAR.

it's pretty crazy

i decided that i'm actually going to try for something. i'm going to audition for stuff. really. i think i've gained a lot of confidence over the past few weeks. yes, i can dance. and yes, i can sing! there, i said it. i can do it. i'm trying to be more positive. hopefully camp rock will work out, or at least spark something, and i'll be able to actually get into the business. don't get me wrong, i'm not saying i'm going to get in. there's about a one and a million chance. but it's still a chance nonetheless. it could happen. and if it doesn't, there's always more auditions. i'm willing to work for it. it's going to be hard, and i'm going to get knocked down. i'll have to suck it up and deal with nasty people. i'll face rejection and heartbreak and failure.

and i can't wait.

it's the start of something new for me.

lyrics of the day!

Turn on that radio
As loud as it can go
Wanna dance until my feet can't feel the ground
Say goodbye to all my fears
One good song may disapear
And nothing in the world can bring me down
Hand clapping, hip shaking, heartbreaking
There's no faking what you feel when you're right at home

Music's in my soul
I can hear it everyday, everynight
It's the one thing on my mind
Music's got control
And I'm never letting go, no no
I just want to play my music

Got my six string on my back
Don't need anything but that
Everything I want is here with me
So forget that fancy car
I don't need to go that far
What's driving me is following my dreams

Hand clapping, earth shaking, heartbreaking
There's no faking what you feel when your on a roll
Music's in my soul
I can hear it everyday, everynight
It's the one thing on my mind
Music's got control
And I'm never letting go, no no
I just wanna play my music
I just wanna play my music

Can't imagine what it'd be like
Without the sound of all my heros singing all my favorite songs
So I can sing along

Music's in my soul
I can hear it everyday, everynight
It's the one thing on my mind
Music's got control
And I'm never letting go, no no
I just wanna play my music

Music's in my soul
I can hear it everyday, everynight
It's the one thing on my mind
Music's got control
And I'm never letting go, no no
I just wanna play my music
All night long

nothing lasts forever

hold on tight,
it's a roller coaster ride we're on.

better?

my life has changed so much since i last wrote in this thing. i've actually been a lot better, with the exception of one mental breakdown, and i really hope things will stay this good. katy, laxie, and i have decided to audition for camp rock 2, which should be insanely fun, even though the chances are super slim. it's been nice getting back into dancing again, and feeling like i have something to work towards. but i feel like these auditions are going to come too soon. i'm already kind of having second thoughts; i don't want to embarrass myself in front of a bunch of amazing hotshot-like dancers. if i can't handle myself, this is going to be a nightmare. so i have to be prepared. all the same, it's going to be epic. but then the question comes up. should i audition for acting as well? voice? can i do it? well i don't know. i love acting and singing, but i just get so nervous! but at the same time, i feel like i could do it if i tried. headshots, resumes, agents, casting, it's all so much. and yet i want it. i want a pretty picture. a full resume. an agent. a cast list with MY name on it. i want to actually be successful at something.

but i don't know if i can.
hm, now i'm thinking.

one of the great secrets in life

have you ever heard the expression "if you want something enough, you'll get it?"

yeah, well that's a bunch of shit.







just thought i'd share.

just another manic monday...

i have finally discovered that blogspot is NOT blocked at school. how amazing. i'm currently sitting in english, reading about JD Salinger, author of Catcher in the Rye. well anyways, as you can tell from the title of this post, i hate mondays. hate hate hate hate hate. they are just awful. i have three classes in a row, which sucks to begin with, and they're all the classes i dislike the most. and probably the ones i'm failing. of course i'm probably failing everything, but what else is new? it doesn't matter anyway, i'm just concentrating on passing for the year so that i don't have to go to summer school again. i really don't care about getting good grades.

there i said it.








I DON'T CARE ABOUT MY GRADES.
i don't!


the end.

dance.

today, while going to county ballet to get shoes for the first time in over a year, i realized something. i really miss dance. so badly that it hurts.

i miss coming home from a hard class and passing out on the couch.
i miss teaching the little ones.
i miss choreographing.
i miss corrections.
i miss doing splits on the bar.
i miss buying new shoes.
i miss cut off shirts.
i miss pointe, and all the pain that comes with it.
i miss putting my hair into a bun.
i miss convertible tights.
i miss ace bandages.
i miss living and breathing dance.
i miss talking about nothing but dance.
i miss my dance friends.
i miss dance jokes.
i miss revelations.
i miss waltz turns.
i miss dance camp.
i miss icyhot.
i miss my knee problems.
i miss being known as "the dancer" in school.
i miss french terminology.
i miss that feeling you get right before you go onstage.
i miss that split second before it's your turn to go across the floor.
i miss floor bar.
i miss ballet arms.
i miss classical music.
i miss développés.
i miss not being able to wash off all the stage makeup.
i miss all day rehearsals.
i miss leotards.
i miss tour jetés.
i miss calling tour jetés "torrey-tays".
i miss clapping for people who fall on their butts.
i miss marley floors.
i miss duct-taping and jet-gluing shoes.
i miss taping my toes.
i miss legwarmers.
i miss mismatched clothing.
i miss the vegetable game.
i miss running warmup.
i miss warmups in general.
i miss curtain calls.


i miss being able to have had a horrible day where nothing went right, and just dancing my heart out. and it making my whole day better.

things i think, but won't say.

i really stole this from colleen. i'm just feeling like i need to get stuff out right now, so i'm just putting down thoughts about people. most of them will never see this anyway, and if you do see this and you think one is about you and it's bad, don't worry, it's probably not about you in the first place.
or maybe it is.


1.you told me to blog about you. so i am. we mostly just joke around a lot, but seriously, i really do love having you around and i'm so glad you are my friend. you pretty much rule at life, and i would be so bored without you here. you always make me laugh because you say really awkward things. we share a brain. you are definately one of my very best friends. it's pretty obvious who this one's about.

2. i don't care what anyone says about you, you are awesome. i've known you forever and you will always be one of my favorite people ever, even if you are really hyper all the time and you annoy the crap out of a lot of people. you never get on my nerves, ever; i don't know how people can not like you. you are very intense and you go through phases, but that's okay.

3. i don't really talk to you that much, but i think you are incredibly pretty and i'm so jealous of you. you are always just so nice and you seem perfect. i try to be more like you, i really do. i don't know why you are third on here, it just popped into my head. you actually kind of intimidate me a little bit, but not because you mean to. i just think you're really cool.

4. we have grown apart. i still call you my one and only true best friend, but things just aren't the same anymore. i really really miss you so much. i wish things would go back to the way they used to be.

5. you seem really dumb to people, but i think you're secretly smart. i've always thought that. you are so gorgeous and you look better than i do all the time even though you are still in middle school. you are absolutely hilarious. the end.

6. i really don't like you. don't try and pretend you don't know me; i know you do. we've been in school together since kindergarten. don't try to hide the fact that you did all the plays in middle school, and that you were pretty much a dork. i honestly don't know how you are so popular now. it amazes me.

7. as much as i deny it, i still get nervous around you.

8. i strongly dislike you. you are loud and tall and annoying, and your mother is an obnoxious bitch. no one likes her. or you, for that matter.

9. you looked better with long hair, grow it back out boy!

10. i love you to death, but sometimes you get on my nerves. it's not always all about you, and you aren't always the best. you definately seem really conceited, and not just to me. i still adore you though, and i wouldn't have you any other way.

11. you are one of my closest friends, but your haircut makes you look fat. sorry.

12. i hate that you talked to me for like a month, and then decided to ignore me. you're cute, but i do NOT like you like that anymore. you are just a jerk. stop flirting with every girl you see, and try being nice to people.

13. you have so many problems, but i love you. i can tell you absolutely anything in the world, things i wouldn't even write in a diary or journal. you are always there for me when i'm upset about anything. you are like my therepist. i really hope you get better soon.

14. you are a terrible singer. stop singing all the time.

15. i know you and your friends (that i only met once) make fun of me, i know it. it's mean. please stop.

16. words cannot even describe you. you are such a great friend, and i talk to you about everything, even though you are a guy, and you always just give me a hug and tell me everything is going to be okay. you are amazing.

17. you are really rude. i don't even know you that well, but i don't care. you're always yelling at people and telling them to shut up. why don't you take your own advice?

18. i think it's really cool that you can do a toe touch, even though i know about a million other people who can. it's just cooler when you do it.

19. i've known you forever and you are nice most of the time, but you don't know when to stop making fun of me. it's funny for a little while, because yeah, we're friends and all, but sometimes you really hurt my feelings. you're kind of naive too.

20. i can't say anything bad about you. at all. i miss you so much right now. i'm pretty sure i've never gotten mad at you, or even slightly pissed off. how that happened, i don't know, but it's pretty cool.

21. you are such a good girl. i make fun of you all the time, but secretly it's because i'm jealous of you. i wish i had the self-discipline that you have. i'm kind of worried about you though, because some of the kids you hang out with sometimes are kind of bad kids. don't follow their example. please.

22. i think you're really hot, but you are too quick to make desicions about people, and unfortunately you decided i'm not cool enough to even talk to. you're actually really rude. you talk to my friends, but not me, even when i'm right there with them. am i that weird?

23. i don't belive any of your stories about all the guys you've been with. you lie.

24. i barely even know you, but every time i see you i want to punch you in the face. you are the most rude, obnoxious, inconsiderate, immature, stupid boy on the planet.

25. you are really stuck up. you aren't that great of a singer, or a dancer. i feel like everytime i see you in the halls you give me dirty looks. just because you are a senior doen't give you that right. i will always be a better dancer than you. get over it.

26. i hate you. you are are a sneaky, scheming person. not even your friends know about it. everyone thinks you're so perfect. i know you cheated on stuff in school. i know you went to her party and got drunk. i know you lie to people all the time. and i don't know how you get away with it all.

27. i think you're pathetic for stalking me over the internet just to make fun of me. what a loser. you're really ugly too.

28. you are really fashionable which i am jelaous of, and you have a really weird sense of humor. i love it. i miss you.

29. i know you lie and say you're going outside just as an excuse to get off the phone. it's okay though, i love you anyway.

30. i don't really want to repare my friendship with you because you create too much drama. you can't always have your way. honestly, i had been waiting for the perfect situation to just drop you.

31. you are really cute, and i've always thought that. thank you for noticing me when no one else did.

32. i always gossip with you, and i can tell you just about anything. unfortunately, i really think you care to much about what other people think of you. do your own thing, it won't be that bad, i promise.



that's a lot of people. i'll probably add more later as i think of them. but for now, i wait for a call from france!

goodnight.

scaplers

i really hate them. i do i do i do. they seriously are some of the worst people ever. why anyone would want to cheat people out of tickets, only to sell them back later for outrageous amounts of money, is beyond me. yes, you make money, but at the same time you are being unfair to so many people. it's just immoral. i'd rather not have money, honestly. i really just want to slap every single scalper who ever lived. right in the face. i hate you. every last one of you. you suck. find a real job. the end.


you can probably guess why i'm so upset about this, if you know anything about me. i won't even bother to explain.

looking up!

things just seem to be getting better.


so don't worry, i'm not emo.
i promise.






woo!

no way out.

i am officially out of ideas. i have too much on my plate, and i can't even get started. i don't know what to do about anything anymore. i have a shitload of homework from last week that i have to do, i have to not get sick again, find like two or three costumes for a history project, and somehow manage to get like 1000 dollars. all by tomorrow, except the money part. that one's by saturday. panic is starting to set in; it's like i'm paralyzed. i have no idea what to do at all. i'm just going to dissapoint everyone no matter what i do, so why do anything at all? i honestly just want to die right now. i wouldn't have to deal with any of this; i wouldn't have to try to get myself out of this hole i'm in.

it's a fucking grave, folks.

sleep deprived!

i don't think i spelled that right, but oh well. so it's almost 2 am, my throat is killing me, i pretty much can't breathe, my head feels like it's going to explode, and i have to be at school in about five and a half hours. come on, i'm actually sick, and i'm being forced to sit through six classes, pretty much back to back, with about twenty minutes off after the first two. and to top it all off, me being sick all weekend and rendered me incapable of doing my homework that i missed from the matinees all last week. so i'm going to go into school sick, tired, AND unprepared.

panic attacks are almost guaranteed at this point.

not cool, seeing as i'm stressed out enough. my grades are sucking again, after just about a week of passing almost everything. and for the past few days, i've been getting a lot of sleep. like tons. like fifteen or sixteen hours at a time tons. i really don't think that's healthy. i honestly don't even wake up in between. i just crash and then it's like i'm in a coma for the next fifteen hours. it's the strangest thing and it's freaking me out.
i really would prefer not to go to school tomorrow.

sick people + small enclosed room = MORE SICK PEOPLE

the title is self explanitory.











a couple of weeks in a lighting booth with one or two sick people will make you sick.
i now know that.
i, unfortunately, learned the hard way.

down again

yes, yes, yes i am. i'm honestly not trying to be all emo here, but i really do hate my life. i have too many issues and i've dissapointed too many people. i just don't know what i'm supposed to do in life, why i'm here, what is my purpose? all i do is let people down and fail at stuff. i really don't understand the point of my life. i'm just kind of chilling here, wasting air.
excuse my bad mood, but i'm just feeling really down about stuff today. i stayed home from school. again. and my mom just yelled at me the whole day. and it really sucks because i was doing so well last week, and now it all just came crashing down. like, as much as i am against behavioral medications, i wish they would just do it already. no, making me drink caffine everyday is not going to work. writing stuff in my planner is not going to change anything. i'm freaking screwed up. i honestly had an anxiety attack this morning. over HOMEWORK. what the hell. this is just sucking. so badly.

wow i sound so depressing.
great.