i can't believe you

i hate how just when things are starting to get better, someone has to ruin it. i can't even give all the details because i can't think straight. that's how upset i am. this whole situation is making me question my faith in so many things. i don't even know if it's true or not, but i can't stand it. now, i usually don't hate. my motto is increase the peace. but right now, i could kill someone. fuck the peace.


this blog doesn't even make any sense; sorry if you don't know what i'm talking about.

i wish i had an open basement.
i need to dance.

maybe i'm just delusional

so i just downloaded the camp rock soundtack, and it is truely inspirational. no lie. i know it's just a cheesy disney channel movie, but some of the songs are actually pretty good. i'm kind of having a revalation here. i have to make the most of my summer, and really work for what i want. who cares if i'm going to summer school? it's over by 10, and my last day is july 2nd. not bad at all. kick it into high gear, torr! i need to get all of my crap together for camp rock 2 and all the other auditions and stuff. i need to stop procrastinating and get it done. i'm really feeling inspired. something exciting is going to happen this summer. i can feel it. all of the dance classes, voice lessons, tumbling, and everything is going to pay off.



get ready, everyone.
here i come.

i failed

by less than a point.











i really can't stand school.

hey, tony oller.

i love you.

Warning:

energy drinks should be consumed slowly. unless you only need energy for like two hours.


if you don't want to crash, drink it slowly!


















in case you haven't caught on, i'm in major crash mode.
I LOVE ROCKSTAR.

it's pretty crazy

i decided that i'm actually going to try for something. i'm going to audition for stuff. really. i think i've gained a lot of confidence over the past few weeks. yes, i can dance. and yes, i can sing! there, i said it. i can do it. i'm trying to be more positive. hopefully camp rock will work out, or at least spark something, and i'll be able to actually get into the business. don't get me wrong, i'm not saying i'm going to get in. there's about a one and a million chance. but it's still a chance nonetheless. it could happen. and if it doesn't, there's always more auditions. i'm willing to work for it. it's going to be hard, and i'm going to get knocked down. i'll have to suck it up and deal with nasty people. i'll face rejection and heartbreak and failure.

and i can't wait.

it's the start of something new for me.

lyrics of the day!

Turn on that radio
As loud as it can go
Wanna dance until my feet can't feel the ground
Say goodbye to all my fears
One good song may disapear
And nothing in the world can bring me down
Hand clapping, hip shaking, heartbreaking
There's no faking what you feel when you're right at home

Music's in my soul
I can hear it everyday, everynight
It's the one thing on my mind
Music's got control
And I'm never letting go, no no
I just want to play my music

Got my six string on my back
Don't need anything but that
Everything I want is here with me
So forget that fancy car
I don't need to go that far
What's driving me is following my dreams

Hand clapping, earth shaking, heartbreaking
There's no faking what you feel when your on a roll
Music's in my soul
I can hear it everyday, everynight
It's the one thing on my mind
Music's got control
And I'm never letting go, no no
I just wanna play my music
I just wanna play my music

Can't imagine what it'd be like
Without the sound of all my heros singing all my favorite songs
So I can sing along

Music's in my soul
I can hear it everyday, everynight
It's the one thing on my mind
Music's got control
And I'm never letting go, no no
I just wanna play my music

Music's in my soul
I can hear it everyday, everynight
It's the one thing on my mind
Music's got control
And I'm never letting go, no no
I just wanna play my music
All night long

nothing lasts forever

hold on tight,
it's a roller coaster ride we're on.

better?

my life has changed so much since i last wrote in this thing. i've actually been a lot better, with the exception of one mental breakdown, and i really hope things will stay this good. katy, laxie, and i have decided to audition for camp rock 2, which should be insanely fun, even though the chances are super slim. it's been nice getting back into dancing again, and feeling like i have something to work towards. but i feel like these auditions are going to come too soon. i'm already kind of having second thoughts; i don't want to embarrass myself in front of a bunch of amazing hotshot-like dancers. if i can't handle myself, this is going to be a nightmare. so i have to be prepared. all the same, it's going to be epic. but then the question comes up. should i audition for acting as well? voice? can i do it? well i don't know. i love acting and singing, but i just get so nervous! but at the same time, i feel like i could do it if i tried. headshots, resumes, agents, casting, it's all so much. and yet i want it. i want a pretty picture. a full resume. an agent. a cast list with MY name on it. i want to actually be successful at something.

but i don't know if i can.
hm, now i'm thinking.

one of the great secrets in life

have you ever heard the expression "if you want something enough, you'll get it?"

yeah, well that's a bunch of shit.







just thought i'd share.

just another manic monday...

i have finally discovered that blogspot is NOT blocked at school. how amazing. i'm currently sitting in english, reading about JD Salinger, author of Catcher in the Rye. well anyways, as you can tell from the title of this post, i hate mondays. hate hate hate hate hate. they are just awful. i have three classes in a row, which sucks to begin with, and they're all the classes i dislike the most. and probably the ones i'm failing. of course i'm probably failing everything, but what else is new? it doesn't matter anyway, i'm just concentrating on passing for the year so that i don't have to go to summer school again. i really don't care about getting good grades.

there i said it.








I DON'T CARE ABOUT MY GRADES.
i don't!


the end.

dance.

today, while going to county ballet to get shoes for the first time in over a year, i realized something. i really miss dance. so badly that it hurts.

i miss coming home from a hard class and passing out on the couch.
i miss teaching the little ones.
i miss choreographing.
i miss corrections.
i miss doing splits on the bar.
i miss buying new shoes.
i miss cut off shirts.
i miss pointe, and all the pain that comes with it.
i miss putting my hair into a bun.
i miss convertible tights.
i miss ace bandages.
i miss living and breathing dance.
i miss talking about nothing but dance.
i miss my dance friends.
i miss dance jokes.
i miss revelations.
i miss waltz turns.
i miss dance camp.
i miss icyhot.
i miss my knee problems.
i miss being known as "the dancer" in school.
i miss french terminology.
i miss that feeling you get right before you go onstage.
i miss that split second before it's your turn to go across the floor.
i miss floor bar.
i miss ballet arms.
i miss classical music.
i miss développés.
i miss not being able to wash off all the stage makeup.
i miss all day rehearsals.
i miss leotards.
i miss tour jetés.
i miss calling tour jetés "torrey-tays".
i miss clapping for people who fall on their butts.
i miss marley floors.
i miss duct-taping and jet-gluing shoes.
i miss taping my toes.
i miss legwarmers.
i miss mismatched clothing.
i miss the vegetable game.
i miss running warmup.
i miss warmups in general.
i miss curtain calls.


i miss being able to have had a horrible day where nothing went right, and just dancing my heart out. and it making my whole day better.

things i think, but won't say.

i really stole this from colleen. i'm just feeling like i need to get stuff out right now, so i'm just putting down thoughts about people. most of them will never see this anyway, and if you do see this and you think one is about you and it's bad, don't worry, it's probably not about you in the first place.
or maybe it is.


1.you told me to blog about you. so i am. we mostly just joke around a lot, but seriously, i really do love having you around and i'm so glad you are my friend. you pretty much rule at life, and i would be so bored without you here. you always make me laugh because you say really awkward things. we share a brain. you are definately one of my very best friends. it's pretty obvious who this one's about.

2. i don't care what anyone says about you, you are awesome. i've known you forever and you will always be one of my favorite people ever, even if you are really hyper all the time and you annoy the crap out of a lot of people. you never get on my nerves, ever; i don't know how people can not like you. you are very intense and you go through phases, but that's okay.

3. i don't really talk to you that much, but i think you are incredibly pretty and i'm so jealous of you. you are always just so nice and you seem perfect. i try to be more like you, i really do. i don't know why you are third on here, it just popped into my head. you actually kind of intimidate me a little bit, but not because you mean to. i just think you're really cool.

4. we have grown apart. i still call you my one and only true best friend, but things just aren't the same anymore. i really really miss you so much. i wish things would go back to the way they used to be.

5. you seem really dumb to people, but i think you're secretly smart. i've always thought that. you are so gorgeous and you look better than i do all the time even though you are still in middle school. you are absolutely hilarious. the end.

6. i really don't like you. don't try and pretend you don't know me; i know you do. we've been in school together since kindergarten. don't try to hide the fact that you did all the plays in middle school, and that you were pretty much a dork. i honestly don't know how you are so popular now. it amazes me.

7. as much as i deny it, i still get nervous around you.

8. i strongly dislike you. you are loud and tall and annoying, and your mother is an obnoxious bitch. no one likes her. or you, for that matter.

9. you looked better with long hair, grow it back out boy!

10. i love you to death, but sometimes you get on my nerves. it's not always all about you, and you aren't always the best. you definately seem really conceited, and not just to me. i still adore you though, and i wouldn't have you any other way.

11. you are one of my closest friends, but your haircut makes you look fat. sorry.

12. i hate that you talked to me for like a month, and then decided to ignore me. you're cute, but i do NOT like you like that anymore. you are just a jerk. stop flirting with every girl you see, and try being nice to people.

13. you have so many problems, but i love you. i can tell you absolutely anything in the world, things i wouldn't even write in a diary or journal. you are always there for me when i'm upset about anything. you are like my therepist. i really hope you get better soon.

14. you are a terrible singer. stop singing all the time.

15. i know you and your friends (that i only met once) make fun of me, i know it. it's mean. please stop.

16. words cannot even describe you. you are such a great friend, and i talk to you about everything, even though you are a guy, and you always just give me a hug and tell me everything is going to be okay. you are amazing.

17. you are really rude. i don't even know you that well, but i don't care. you're always yelling at people and telling them to shut up. why don't you take your own advice?

18. i think it's really cool that you can do a toe touch, even though i know about a million other people who can. it's just cooler when you do it.

19. i've known you forever and you are nice most of the time, but you don't know when to stop making fun of me. it's funny for a little while, because yeah, we're friends and all, but sometimes you really hurt my feelings. you're kind of naive too.

20. i can't say anything bad about you. at all. i miss you so much right now. i'm pretty sure i've never gotten mad at you, or even slightly pissed off. how that happened, i don't know, but it's pretty cool.

21. you are such a good girl. i make fun of you all the time, but secretly it's because i'm jealous of you. i wish i had the self-discipline that you have. i'm kind of worried about you though, because some of the kids you hang out with sometimes are kind of bad kids. don't follow their example. please.

22. i think you're really hot, but you are too quick to make desicions about people, and unfortunately you decided i'm not cool enough to even talk to. you're actually really rude. you talk to my friends, but not me, even when i'm right there with them. am i that weird?

23. i don't belive any of your stories about all the guys you've been with. you lie.

24. i barely even know you, but every time i see you i want to punch you in the face. you are the most rude, obnoxious, inconsiderate, immature, stupid boy on the planet.

25. you are really stuck up. you aren't that great of a singer, or a dancer. i feel like everytime i see you in the halls you give me dirty looks. just because you are a senior doen't give you that right. i will always be a better dancer than you. get over it.

26. i hate you. you are are a sneaky, scheming person. not even your friends know about it. everyone thinks you're so perfect. i know you cheated on stuff in school. i know you went to her party and got drunk. i know you lie to people all the time. and i don't know how you get away with it all.

27. i think you're pathetic for stalking me over the internet just to make fun of me. what a loser. you're really ugly too.

28. you are really fashionable which i am jelaous of, and you have a really weird sense of humor. i love it. i miss you.

29. i know you lie and say you're going outside just as an excuse to get off the phone. it's okay though, i love you anyway.

30. i don't really want to repare my friendship with you because you create too much drama. you can't always have your way. honestly, i had been waiting for the perfect situation to just drop you.

31. you are really cute, and i've always thought that. thank you for noticing me when no one else did.

32. i always gossip with you, and i can tell you just about anything. unfortunately, i really think you care to much about what other people think of you. do your own thing, it won't be that bad, i promise.



that's a lot of people. i'll probably add more later as i think of them. but for now, i wait for a call from france!

goodnight.

scaplers

i really hate them. i do i do i do. they seriously are some of the worst people ever. why anyone would want to cheat people out of tickets, only to sell them back later for outrageous amounts of money, is beyond me. yes, you make money, but at the same time you are being unfair to so many people. it's just immoral. i'd rather not have money, honestly. i really just want to slap every single scalper who ever lived. right in the face. i hate you. every last one of you. you suck. find a real job. the end.


you can probably guess why i'm so upset about this, if you know anything about me. i won't even bother to explain.

looking up!

things just seem to be getting better.


so don't worry, i'm not emo.
i promise.






woo!

no way out.

i am officially out of ideas. i have too much on my plate, and i can't even get started. i don't know what to do about anything anymore. i have a shitload of homework from last week that i have to do, i have to not get sick again, find like two or three costumes for a history project, and somehow manage to get like 1000 dollars. all by tomorrow, except the money part. that one's by saturday. panic is starting to set in; it's like i'm paralyzed. i have no idea what to do at all. i'm just going to dissapoint everyone no matter what i do, so why do anything at all? i honestly just want to die right now. i wouldn't have to deal with any of this; i wouldn't have to try to get myself out of this hole i'm in.

it's a fucking grave, folks.

sleep deprived!

i don't think i spelled that right, but oh well. so it's almost 2 am, my throat is killing me, i pretty much can't breathe, my head feels like it's going to explode, and i have to be at school in about five and a half hours. come on, i'm actually sick, and i'm being forced to sit through six classes, pretty much back to back, with about twenty minutes off after the first two. and to top it all off, me being sick all weekend and rendered me incapable of doing my homework that i missed from the matinees all last week. so i'm going to go into school sick, tired, AND unprepared.

panic attacks are almost guaranteed at this point.

not cool, seeing as i'm stressed out enough. my grades are sucking again, after just about a week of passing almost everything. and for the past few days, i've been getting a lot of sleep. like tons. like fifteen or sixteen hours at a time tons. i really don't think that's healthy. i honestly don't even wake up in between. i just crash and then it's like i'm in a coma for the next fifteen hours. it's the strangest thing and it's freaking me out.
i really would prefer not to go to school tomorrow.

sick people + small enclosed room = MORE SICK PEOPLE

the title is self explanitory.











a couple of weeks in a lighting booth with one or two sick people will make you sick.
i now know that.
i, unfortunately, learned the hard way.

down again

yes, yes, yes i am. i'm honestly not trying to be all emo here, but i really do hate my life. i have too many issues and i've dissapointed too many people. i just don't know what i'm supposed to do in life, why i'm here, what is my purpose? all i do is let people down and fail at stuff. i really don't understand the point of my life. i'm just kind of chilling here, wasting air.
excuse my bad mood, but i'm just feeling really down about stuff today. i stayed home from school. again. and my mom just yelled at me the whole day. and it really sucks because i was doing so well last week, and now it all just came crashing down. like, as much as i am against behavioral medications, i wish they would just do it already. no, making me drink caffine everyday is not going to work. writing stuff in my planner is not going to change anything. i'm freaking screwed up. i honestly had an anxiety attack this morning. over HOMEWORK. what the hell. this is just sucking. so badly.

wow i sound so depressing.
great.

My Conscience

it's way to big and annoying. i am probably the biggest baby you'll ever meet in your entire life. honestly, if i ever stole something, i would probably cry and hate myself until i gave it back. and i would probably still hate myself. i have way to much guilt in me; i should really learn to just let stuff go. like, i'll feel guilty for stuff i didn't even do, stuff my friends did, or stuff i was just thinking about doing but never did. it's toally lame. if i didn't do it, why should i care? but i do. what a loser.

and to top it all off, i have to meet my group tomorrow for history for like two hours. i barely even know these girls, and they are all friends. they are fake nice to me, i swear, and i hate that feeling. i would rather do ANYTHING. i would rather get my painful cavity filled. i would rather go on great bear at hershey park, and i hate roller coasters. i would rather sing in front of 4823493724 people, even though i'm so shy. i would rather wear sweatpants and meet the jonas brothers. that is saying a lot. i'm secretly hoping that i get called into play practice last minute. that's another thing i'd rather do. sit in a lighting booth for 5 hours. i would do it. gladly.

oh well, i should just stop complaining.

Just thought I'd like to say...

And I came here to make you dance tonight
I don't care if I'm a guilty pleasure for you

And I don't even know
what kind of fool you're taking me for
So you've got some brand new clothes
you never could afford before

Oh brother, spare us all
'Cause we don't care anymore
We just wanna get down on the floor

You sold yourself to make it
You can dish it
But can you really take it?

You're never gonna get it with nothing
'cause nothing's what you got in your head
So stop pretending

I came here to make you dance tonight
I don't care if I'm a guilty pleasure for you
Shut up
'Cause we won't stop
We're getting down til the sun's coming up
I came here to make you dance tonight
I don't care if I'm a guilty pleasure for you
Shut up
'Cause we won't stop
We're getting down til the sun's coming up

And I don't even read
what the papers gotta say about me
Oh no, I can't believe
they take it so serious, seriously

I'm so bored, oh please don't talk anymore
Shut your mouth and get down on the floor

So cynical?
Poor baby
I can dish it 'cause I know how to take it

You're never gonna win 'em all
So fuck 'em if they can't take a joke
I'm just playin'

I came here to make you dance tonight
I don't care if I'm a guilty pleasure for you
Shut up
'Cause we won't stop
We're getting down til the sun's coming up
I came here to make you dance tonight
I don't care if I'm a guilty pleasure for you
Shut up
'Cause we won't stop
We're getting down til the sun's coming up

And maybe someday I'll believe
(maybe someday I'll believe)
that we are all a part of some bigger plan
Tonight I just don't give a damn
(So shut your mouth it's time to dance)
If the world is ending, I'm throwing the party

And I came here to make you dance tonight
I don't care if I'm a guilty pleasure for you
Shut up
'Cause we won't stop
We're getting down til the sun's coming up
I came here to make you dance tonight
I don't care if I'm a guilty pleasure for you
Shut up
'Cause we won't stop
We're getting down til the sun's coming up
I came here to make you dance tonight
I don't care if I'm a guilty pleasure for you
Shut up
'Cause we won't stop
We're getting down til the sun's coming up


cobra frickin starship.
and the john carroll music department.

How Un-interesting...

i have come to the conclusion that my life is just really really boring. that's why i haven't written anything here for a long time. i have nothing to write about! i honestly cannot think of one exciting thing that has happened to me since my last post. well, besides my emotional breakdowns and being sick of course. but hey, nothing new there. i did have a fever though, up until today, which is kind of rare for me. i think the last time i had a fever was when i was about five. but still, not very exciting. i stayed home pretty much all week, which was cool, even though i felt like absolute crap. and i now find myself dreading monday. again, nothing new.
i'm going to another jonas brothers concert on march 13th, and i've got good seats, which i'm excited about. not as excited as i thought i would be though. weird. of course that will all change when i get there, just like it always does, and i'll turn into a crazy screaming fangirl. unless they come within twenty feet of me, in which case i'll just silently freak out and be unable to speak.

i'm so odd.

but other than that, nothing is really happening in my life. sometimes i kind of wish i was famous, or was always with someone famous, just so i could blog about my exciting life.

but not really.

Wonderful

so apparently, i am to be medicated for my ADD.


i REFUSE.
the end.

memories

it's weird what kind of things can hold memories. i find that that most random things remind me of stuff. take for example:

rockstar juiced: energy + guava. the only energy drink i actually like. i've tried about a million, thanks to lexie, but this is the only one that isn't gross. i haven't had one in a really long time, but last time i did, my mind was flooded with memories. i felt summer. friends. hershey park. sleepovers and staying up till 6 am. no worries. i got this vision of driving up to ocean grove with carly lexie and becca on a hot august day, going to my first jonas brothers concert. freaking out when we saw the bus. the ONE bus. hearing soundcheck. laughing at all of the girls harassing frankie. being confused by the mobs of people. seeing the jonas brothers walk right past us. the concert. almost passing out from the amount of energy i had. scream offs. "you are mine and i am yours." our pole. everything. all of that, just by taking a sip of a drink. and that's when i realized how much i miss the way things used to be. not even just the whole thing with the jonas brothers and their pre-fame. just summer in general. before i officially quit dance. before i messed everything up again. before regular classes full of mean kids. before things started to get serious. before talks of college and the rest of my life. back when all i had to worry about was who was spending the night and what i was going to wear the next day. my life has changed so much in the past couple of months, and let me make this clear: i hate change. at least i did.
which brings me to my next point.i'm starting to think that i need to get over that. i can never go back to the old days. they are gone, and i should realize that. i need one big change, a chance to start over. something i'll never do here. right now i'm just focusing on bringing my grades up so i can get the hell out of here. i want california or something. far, far, far, away from the past. somewhere where i can't dwell on it. yes, i might be running away from my problems, but i really don't care. so, to all 2 people that actually read this blog, however you might have stumbled upon it, thanks for reading, and feel free to leave your thoughts.

also

heath ledger died!

was a depressing day :[

school

i'm pretty much hating it right now. second semester started today, and most of my classes make me want to die. my day started off with english, where i was almost the last one there and i had to sit in the front. i switched sections, so i didn't even know if i was in the right class. luckily i was, but it was still really awkward. i didn't know a lot of people, and most of the ones i did know were people i didn't like and who made fun of me. and the class is so easy i practically fell asleep. and the teacher hates me. lovely. after THREE MODS (ew) of that, it was time for history. i didn't switch sections in this class, but a whole bunch of other people did. there's pretty much like two people i actually talk to in that class, and even them i don't talk to all that much. the rest of my class consists of people who i strongly dislike and/or hate. it pretty much sucks. so then after that, i had math. i switched sections for this class, but it was actually a good change. although i'm not in katy's class anymore, i'm in my kristi's class now, which is fun; her class is just an all around goofy group of kids. it's awesome and i'm happy there. so after math i had one off mod, and i spent it in the chorus room (my last one there for awhile since the chorus teacher hates me). then it was time for spanish. i didn't switch in this class either, and some fun people switched in, so it was pretty awesome. we did some cool skits in spanish, like doing different emotions and some; it was hilarious. so after that, i went to religion, which was totally new. this semester is new testament, and i have a new teacher and everything. he's cool i guess. a few of my friends are in my class, but so are a couple of people i absolutely hate. but whatever i guess. the only class i haven't had yet it dance, which i know is going to be awesome. but overall there is more bad than good, so i'm kind of not looking foward to the rest of the year. the only thing getting me though it is the possibility of going to boarding school next year :]

woah, say whaaa?!?!

yeah, boarding school. i want to go. pretty much, i've screwed everything up for myself within a 20 mile radius, and i want to get as far away from it as possible. i started looking at schools a few days ago, and i'm getting really excited about it. i really just want to get far far away from home; i really need a change. anywhere would be amazing. i've looked into the cate school in california. it's about a mile from the beach and an hour away from LA. california would be amazing, and just about as far away from home as possible. i checked out some schools in new york and florida too. i mean, if your going to go to school, you might as well go somewhere exciting, right? i've looked at some art schools too, which all look like so much fun. the only problem is, of course, my grades. i'm going to have to try really hard if i want to get to transfer and be accepted as a junior, anywhere. which is my main problem to begin with, but i'm willing to try.

so, boarding school, yes?
please.

Choices

so play practice got me thinking.
uh oh.

i really started to wonder about the choices i've made in the past, especially ones that have to do with theatre and music. did i make the right ones? how did they affect my life as it is now? you're probably confused, so i'll elaborate. example: piano lessons. i had them for about a year before i quit. that was so stupid of me. i really wish i had stuck with it, because i'd be able to play now, which i want to do. i love the piano but my parents won't let me take lessons now because i quit before. i never fully learned how to read music, and i totally hate that. it kills me, really. i can't seem to pick it up now, as hard as i try, so i just wish i had kept with it.
also, dance. this one is more recent. i danced for almost 10 years. it was my life; i was at my studio everyday it was open. but then it closed down and i haven't been able to find anything like it, so i just stopped dancing. rehearsal today was interesting. i had a horrible morning, and i was in such a bad mood. but then we started to learn choreography, and my whole day turned around. even though i'm in really bad shape, i loved every second of it. this is when i realized how much i really miss dancing. if even silly musical theatre dance can make my mood do a total 180, i must really love it. sad thing is, now i miss my old studio more than ever, and that sucks hardcore.
and finally, singing. if you are one of the few people reading this thing, you're probably thinking "torrey? singing? whattt?!?" well, yeah. i did quite a lot of singing when i was younger, and apparently i was pretty good. i loved voice lessons, but i had major stage fright, which i still have even today. this really sucked because one summer, i was asked to sing at the bel air barbeque bash and represent the place i took lessons at. it wasn't a huge deal, but it was still something. enough to freak me out. i actually turned it down, and that is one of the biggest regrets of my whole life. i really wish i could know what would have happened if i had just said yes. where i would be now. i know it seems dumb, but i just wish i did it. i mean, in the best of cases i could have been "noticed", done more stuff, and really gotton into it. for all i know i could be freaking hannah montana right now. okay, that's kind of an exaggeration, but something could have happened. at the very least i would have gained more confidence on the stage, and actually have the courage to go out for stuff. or maybe i would have just stuck with it, and still be good. because now it's too late, and i'm stuck as an average/below average singer with low self esteem and the most horrible case of stage fright you've ever seen.

it kind of sucks.


wow, how cynical of me.






oh, and i've decided that i'm going to boarding school, but i'll write about that later.

Looking Back

wow. i haven't updating this in just about forever. i wouldn't have remembered i even had it, but carly mentioned making a blog so i thought i might want to update mine. i couldn't remember how to get to it for about 20 minutes, but then i just typed in blogspot.com and bingo! there it was.
anyway...

i guess i should tell you a bit about what has happened in my life since august 15th. well, i never ending up fasting, seeing as i don't have the self control. i have now seen the jonas brothers in concert a total of three times, and they are fabulous live. the best one had to be the summer concert though, because they weren't with hannah montana/miley cyrus/whoever the heck she is now. she really bothers me, by the way. but yeah, the concerts were good, except for miley's slutty dance moves. after the december concert nick waved at me outside by the buses, which was really exciting. i think i was in a good mood for about a week after that. this last concert was, well, interesting to say the least. it was in baltimore, our seats sucked, me and carly were with this really annoying girl who kept talking the whole time, and then proceeded to get me grounded for two weeks. it's been about a week now. ugh. i am also sick, which sucks. i also got demoted from featured dancer to ensemble, for missing rehearsal to go to the concert. that kind of sucks too, actually. i'm kind of just having a sucky time at the moment. i don't really have much to look foward to, except the posting of new tour dates from you-know-who. which is actually kind of sad. i mean, is this what my life has come to? not caring about anything but tour dates? i'm so lame! i seriously need to find a new hobby. i guess i haven't really changed that much from the summer. well, i got into music some more, although i'm incredibly doubtful about my ability to sing these days. but i can't play the guitar pretty decently now, which is cool. we just got wireless internet, too, so i am now in the comfort of my own room, sneaking on my laptop at 3:20 in the morning while my mother is sleeping. that is just terrific, really. exams are next week, which i'm actually really woried about. my grades always suck, and this quarter is no different. i can never seem to do anything about it though; i'm not sure why. so yeah, everything is just pretty much lame right about now, which is dumb. i hate not having things to look foward to. like, the next break we have is in late march or something, there are no holidays coming up, i'm not doing anything exciting anythime soon, and i'm sick and ground so i can't even go out. so i write in my extremely cool internet blog instead. awesome.

i think i'm going to try to find another layout; this one is bothering me.




peace.